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| i'm laying here awake in bed at 1:30 in the morning, trying to write a blog that will say everything i want it to say...without coming across as angry, and wanting to end our relationship. because i'm not even close to wanting to do that.
i'm laying here...trying to figure out when everything changed. what happened....that's made us not seem as great, and as perfect...as everything once was. and i can't come up with anything at all. i guess we've just changed. grown, spent too much time talking...or something. we get mad at each other over stupid stuff, and sometimes nothing at all.
i get mad that you get mad at me. then i just realize that we should stop, because we shouldn't get mad because it's pointless. or, i get mad at you for something...then i just realize that i'm being stupid, because in the grand scheme of things it's nothing- and i still love you, so there's no point. and i do still love you...so maybe i/we are just overreacting and this isn't a big deal- maybe what Kendall said was right...we all go through rough patches, and maybe this is just our rough patch. it happens. i think he's right.
i hope he's right. because i can't stand fighting with you. it absolutely tears at my heart to think that anything i do or say has or can hurt you. i think about you every second of every day, even when i have other things to distract me, like an irate customer demanding his 54.40 in change immediately. or, i have other people that can take my mind off of not having you here...just chilling at logan's apartment, eating pizza, playing games, just making fun of dustin's situation...but i'm not really there because all i can think about is you.
you. and us. and how i can't wait for us to be together, at last. because i think that will solve everything. because there's not a single place i'd rather be than spending time with you. i'm at josh's, swimming with him and terry..just a few guys hanging out, having a good time. yet, my mind isn't with the two guys...my heart definitely isn't, either. my head and my heart are both 140 miles away, in grayson county. with you.
you. the one person i can actually stand to talk to without getting annoyed with them. or at least, 99% of the time. you. the one girl i've finally found that can make me smile whenever she wants, even if i'm bugged by something outside of the relationship. who actually understands me, and gets me....knowing what i want. and trying to give that to me, even if she can't- which means so much to me. more than anything i can ever say or do to make you realize that.
you.
and me.
two people.
one relationship.
forever & always.
(i really do mean that).
i should probably go.
i do need sleep.
since i work.
ugh.
i just can't help but worry about us, even though i know we still love each other...and that will get us through everything. | | |
| i cried last night on the phone.
i miss you.
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| and i can't handle it any more.
i finally know what i want. and i can't have it. i want to be there so bad. or you to be here. or us to be together, anywhere, at any time. i wouldn't care if it was prehistoric Mars, as long as the two of us were together.
i want to be able to look at my friends kissing without having to look away because i'm afraid i'm about to cry just looking at them. i'm sick and tired of being so far away from my somebody. the person i'm meant to be with.
i don't want anything but to be with her. to be doing cute things for her. to get cute things done in return. to be everything i know we can be. well, i mean...everything we are. minus the number 145.5..
i want to be able to just show up at her house unannounced after she's had a bad day and make everything better by just being there for her. instead, i have to do it through a phone. and it just doesn't seem fair. hell, it ISN'T fair.
speaking of fair, it isn't really fair to have to wait this long. we've already waited basically 5 months, and we have to wait another 4.5. i know it's making us stronger, or whatever. but, that isn't consoling me at the moment. or ever, really. it just makes it a tiny bit easier to deal with.
i know it'll all be worth it in the end.
but that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with this.
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| ..does everything always come back to the past?
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| "I'm sick and tired of going to bed angry"
I'm sick and tired of you going to bed angry too, honestly.
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